wallow in me
..unintentionally
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Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
once upon a time..
..i used to feel understood without even talking. once upon a time, every new day brought new words and new feelings.
now.
i'm just slowly sliding away.
posted by **aba** @ 4:44 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 10, 2006
[Italian interlude]
"All'epoca in cui me ne andavo in giro in bicicletta per mesi attraverso la Francia, il mio massimo piacere era fermarmi nei cimiteri di campagna, sdraiarmi fra le tombe, e fumare così per ore. Ci penso come al periodo più attivo della mia vita"
[Emil Cioran
posted by **aba** @ 5:53 PM 2 comments
Thursday, June 08, 2006
self respect, habitude, hope, fear. and love.
I often find myself unable to understand some people's behaviour. I thought about it reading the blog to which I link (the three coloured balls here above..).
It talks about a guy who hits his lover. And she keeps going out with him. She kinda feels she deserves it.
Why do we accept that some kind of bad things can continue happening in our lives?
Several times I've seen love stories that lead to this: to a progressive acceptation of some bad things, just because one cares too much about the relationship. But it's not only this: it's something deeper and more complicated than this.
For example, in this blog I read, the girl thinks to deserve it, and hopes that accepting everything may make things better one day. Her (1) LACK OF SELF RESPECT horrifies me, really. Reading the post in the blog, I had a strong and disgusting sensation in the stomach.
Some other times I've seen love stories grow sadder and sadder and the two of them accepting it just by (2) HABITUDE, standing there day after day, just acting like everything's normal. Then one day explode.
And some other times more I've seen (3) HOPE keeping two persons together, the hope that only working every day for the future and being able to bear all the problems, may one day make things better.
But there's more. I'm sure some of you have met at least one person with a (4) FEAR TO REMAIN ALONE so deep and strong, that forces him/her to bear anything, rather than being alone.
All these times, I found myself thinking: “I just don’t understand how one can be such a fucking idiot, to stand all this shit”. I could not understand such persons and I felt a huge pity for them, together with a deep rage.
Well, now… lack of self respect, habitude, hope, fear, are for sure among the biggest forces that run our lives. We are human beings, we’re so fragile in front of these forces – we are slave to these passions and often unable to control them.
And most of all, when in love, we just show to the other our soft spots, cause we trust our lover. Every single one of us has some soft spots, none excluded. We show to our lover how big is our fear and what scares us most. We talk everyday about our hopes. We often renounce to self respect for the sake of the other. The point is: it should be mutual.
Next time we face a situation like that, then, we should just think that it’s not a matter of not respecting oneself enough, being scared of staying alone, hoping too much or letting habitude win: it just depends on how big a piece of shit the other lover is.
posted by **aba** @ 11:39 AM 1 comments
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
carved into flesh
Some pains are too deep to be forgot, they are just carved into flesh in some little hidden place.
You can try to cancel them, you can think for a while they are gone away, you can try to just live as they do not exist. But they do.
They come out of a little detail: a name on the newspaper, a smell in the street, a song on the radio.
Every corner is a present danger. The shadow of one of your pains can come out of it at any moment, and you know far too well that the little scar will ache once more.
And then again.
posted by **aba** @ 4:49 PM 0 comments